its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
