Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
this boner is exhausting
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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