: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
