She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
