apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
