I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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