why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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