Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
