the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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