I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
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You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
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Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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