I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
