me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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