You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
