It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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