I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
