sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
BRING THE BAGELS
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
my nose is crying tears of wow.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
