i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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