I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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