I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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