u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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