Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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