she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
