A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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