She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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