I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
