Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
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In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
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I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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