Jerry, you need to find god
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
