Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
