Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
