if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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