Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
