fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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