Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
