some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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