You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
