i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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