Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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