mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
