Define "chronic" masturbator.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
