My Higher Power is John Stamos
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
