I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
