I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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