I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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