The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
