I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
