a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
