I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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