Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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