oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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