Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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