Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
