it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
