If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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