and you said cock pushups were impossible
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
