i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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