Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
