she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
