i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
