So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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