I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
