Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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