I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
